I'm pretty good at making things all about me, especially in the quiet moments where no one is listening, noticing. Sometimes I get tired of the things i do so routinely, that it all feels so meaningless and I don't want to do anything at all. but then God, deep down I know that You're the reason I'm doing all this. School, hockey, church. Maybe I'll never understand why, at least maybe not in a long time, but ohmygod i really have a long list of questions for You when I get to heaven, and until then I just want to honour You. and no, i guess life isn't mundane at all. because It isn't whenever I open my eyes to the amazing things You're doing in all our lives and all around me. Like today, You surprised me and had me smiling inside the whole night, reminding me that Your love is so real amongst us when i saw enru and tim at hockey tonight. i miss and love them so much (:

I've been thinking lately, how i can be such a hypocrite- to give a voice to what i believe in, only to discredit it afterward because I don't live up to it. Sometimes it's the things that don't really matter, like how i think i like this and don't like that, but change my mind afterward? People raise their eyebrows and smile, think i'm a lil' strange maybe, but what gets me are the things I say that I wanna do for God that I don't follow through with, the principles that I compromise with. and thats when I know I've disappointed some people around me. I don't like to disappoint. It's the look on their faces and the things they say that tell me along with the promises, I've broken God's heart again. Things between me and God go a downward spiral after that, and maybe it's because there's something about true love that freaks me out- it's unconditional. It's irrational, it's so radical to me that I run further away from it because I don't deserve something too good to be true. But it is true. and after I've drowned time and again in hopelessness and self pity, completely worn, I crawl back to my God, who, after i've pieced everything together with a clear head, i realise, has tried to reach out to me the whole time I was out there trying to kill myself (metaphorically), just so that people would notice me.

It's been a cycle in my life since I've found God. Only, recently, I've spent alot more time in the dumps trying to love myself, than loving Him. For the most part, I was waiting for change. Some people talk about a book that changed their life. A movie that made them see the light, or something that somebody said that made them never look at things the same again. But that kind of change is not something that just happens. Change is a decision. The movies, books and people in my life were not uninspiring, I just didn't care to do anything about myself.

I'm a walking contradiction, struggling to be somebody that I'm not, but am dying to be. Somebody that you can see God through.

Its like looking in the mirror and not recognising the girl staring back at you.
For better or for worse, you can't decide. 
Some days I sit around and wonder what it would be like to have everything you've been stripped away from you, so that you could just start over. and i dream of Boston. not Boston Boston. but Boston, where no one knows my name. 

Blindfold me, please. Sometimes I think it'll be nice, because then in fear, in weariness, in longing, and when i'm feeling sad, these eyes won't tell you anything I don't want them to.

Would you stop if i said please. Cause' it hurts me more than you know
):

The worst thing about disappointment is that you can't blame anyone but yourself for having expected someone to be more than he/she really is. 

Saw Victor around on Saturday so i got to talk to him for a bit. He asked why I looked so 'melancholic' now. When I told him, he knocked my head with the bottom of his palm, not so hard that it hurt, but just enough for me to turn and glare. The look on his face said a lot. I'll stop being silly and grow up. 
We hung out at smu till late. The j2s studied a bit and then i think everyone got tired and started playing cards.  I never realised, but Gingting  is such a brotherly figure, haha. I liked talking to siewluan on the way home. We missed the last bus though, haha.  

For the past few months,  I've refused to love You because I didn't like Your plans for me. I've been sceptical. I've been stubborn. I've sulked. I've tried so hard to fight the things you put in my path. I've said some pretty nasty things about and to You. I've made everything about me. Unconsciously, or not, I've run as far away as I ever possibly could from You. For the past few months, I've never felt more purposeless, empty, or hurt.  

And God even when all that drama is over, I know I'm still so much short of the person You created me to be. But in discovering who exactly she is, and growing to become her, God I just- really want to love You as much as I possibly can. And today I realised that perhaps I can't love You with my own strength alone. and I just pray that God, the author and perfecter of my faith, please, will You help me to love You above everything else. I don't want it to be about me, what I want, and what I feel. I want what You've got in store for me.

Ezekiel 36:26 (New Living Translation)
And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart.

i lie awake with thoughts that have travelled through time and back and strangely tonight they take me to you and the times i ran to you from the world and then the times it caught up with me and the things we used to talk about that we swore we wouldn't tell and then the things i hoped you didn't have to say and me wishing you were more and then me wishing i was more and thinking maybe i'd know you more and then thinking if i ever knew you at all

My vision's bluring like it does when i've been studying or reading or on the computer for a while at night. Man, i have two papers left for the terms and i've been sleeping alot lately, like i do during exams periods. I think thats my form of escapism, but anyway i've been wondering how i'm going to go about this week when i've hardly studied for the exams. Oh Sunday evening did not feel good at all. Nuh uh. Its kind of late, I'm just looking forward for the end of tmr's paper. The best thing about term exams is that you get to go home right after your paper. Nevermind that friday's history paper is going to be quite painful. I'll worry about it tomorrow. Okay maybe not. I just finished Wide Sargasso Sea for lit tmr and i think its depressing.

Frightening.
 
Okay, Top Girls now.

"Say nothing and it may not be true."

I was at the library the other day when I overheard two students, one patiently explaining fundamental mathematical concepts to the other who you'd think would have long mastered at her age. And she tried, she really tried to learn them. I looked over and somewhere in that child I saw the struggle, such humility and the desire to learn although her persistent efforts led to slow, little results. I got up and walked for a while, until everything around and in me was quiet again.    

I said God, why?
and then I realised that while He made the weak, He also always made sure of a way for them to never have to stay that way for long.  
I said God, But its hard. It gets harder when society can cripple you with your own weaknesses.
and then,
can it really  

I like this picture, when fungmin huiwei and patrice and i slept over at huiwei's place some time back.
I'm watching Oprah's 2008 commencement address at Standford U. on youtube, and i'm really enjoying it. The speech is brilliant and she really is an entertainer. On a side note, I can't imagine how graduation from university must feel like. I hope when I get to that point that I don't forget to be really proud of myself. (: 

If you ask me, the word "love" is so overused today that it doesn't mean anything at all sometimes, even though it's supposed to "make the world go round"/ "conquer all"/ transform 'all things base and vile' into 'form and dignity'. You pick. 
But It does convey a powerful emotion and committment after all. 
And I'm just thinking, how many times have I had to tell myself to stop being critical of others and instead, to love. And how many times, in that second when God looks away from me, does He choose to love a young and arrogant human who He knows, will never be fully capable of understanding His ways.  And then, how many times, in the moments when I look to God, do I choose to love an ageless all-knowing Almighty that I cannot and have never seen, and whose mysterious ways I've heard I'll never be able to fully understand.