I spend every of these moments trying to be the strongest I can ever be. 
I've rehearsed it at least a thousand times,
spoken the words off an unwritten checklist to myself
like a prayer. 
The right smile, the direction in which I will look, that laugh when appropriate
There will be no instance you'll ever see me trying to rub the sleep out of my eyes, 
or wasting away
ignoring Time's endless chase
maybe trying to catch my own breath.
But God knows the moment you're standing right before me
all I am is an unfolded letter. My elbows are angled wrongly
the muscles in my face aren't mine
My eyes are such terrible liars.
And my heart- sweet silly
child. 
I'm ruining my own play. 

Paper cranes sink to the bottom of the lake
with time
and paper hearts can burn inches from fire.

This is a story about a lady whom i'd just met and how she broke my heart today.
There isn't much to tell because I barely know her and to her i'm just a girl who doesn't speak much.
I guess that doesn't make conversation much fun. But she showed me a vulnerable side of her once or twice and all i could do was bring her a cup of coffee and give my best, comforting smile every chance i get because i didn't know what to say that would make it better. But mann, girl i wish you knew how much i wished things would get better for you, or that you would just feel better. So anyway she was really happy today and she shared her good news with someone else but i was just there, uninvited.
I wanted an invisibility cloak.
The worst thing is not knowing how to react- do you show that you know what is going on and join in, and when you join in and see no acknowledgement that you're let in on that conversation do you turn away and pretend not to hear and that you never knew a thing?
I haven't felt this socially awkward.
God, you know how a heartbreak feels, like your heart's being twisted slowly and your chest tightens and your throat gets narrower so you close your eyes and picture you're back home curled up in bed and wrapped in blankets. But it's then that I hear those words spoken like a whisper. Love does not envy, and it is never self seeking. And I will not feel like this. It's these words that teach me how to keep smiling and mean it at the same time. 
Since when is Love about me and why do we always seem to make it about ourselves? 
I thought about today and I got taken back to two weeks ago where I gave chocolate Loakers to three of the kids at CareCorner and there's this boy who is half monkey, he'd never sit still, he's adorable and he wouldn't let me teach him a thing. Not a chance. I asked if he liked the Loakers that I gave him and his reply: ' Everybody also got what." 
Everyone wants to feel special. We wanna be special even when we know we're no different from everybody else.
What I want to tell him so badly: Honey you are  special. You're loved. 

We all are.

Interesting that the cast in Glee sings " don't stop believe" like that when it really is one of the saddest songs!  
Christmas was great, i spent it with some of my favorite people. We stayed over at shufeng's, talked alot and played funny games, haha (: jes, jenni, lui and i played against scc with dawn and the other ac players from batches before. It was quite fun cause' people like amanda and victoria were there and i haven't seen them in ages, and i miss playing hockey with jes, jenni and lui in adiv ): and there were really awesome players around so i think i learnt a bit from them too. we went to island creamery for supper afterward. Man if i could live 2009 once over, I would, so i can recapture all the incredible moments i've shared with so many people that perhaps were easily mere passing moments but were those that meant something to me. and then I would take back some of the things I've said through the year that I wish I didn't say, done some things better, done more the times I could but chose to take a step back.  
Well I guess I have 2010 now.
(:


My sister's school has moved to a crummy place further away and they don't have a hockey pitch there so she has to go someplace else after school to train. She was upset about some stuff and we were talking. She went " my life sucks. i have to wake up so early for school and my school ends so late and i come home so late and i have to go to sengkang to train after school.." and i was like "whoa whoa, that's MY life". 

"I think the difference in my life came when I realized after reading those Gospels, that Jesus didn't just love me out of principle; He didn't just love me because it was the right thing to do. Rather, there was something inside me that caused Him to love me. I think I realized that if I walked up to His campfire, He would ask me to sit down, and He would ask me my story. He would take the time to listen to my ramblings or my anger until I could calm down, and then He would look me directly in the eye, and He would speak to me; He would tell me the truth, and I would sense in his voice and in the lines of His face that he liked me. He would rebuke me, too, and he would tell me that I have prejudices against very religious people and that I need to deal with that; He would tell me that there are poor people in the world and I need to feed them and that somehow this will make me more happy. I think He would tell me what my gifts are and why I have them, and He would give me ideas on how to use them, I think He would explain to me why my father left, and He would point out very clearly all the ways God has taken care of me through the years, all the stuff God protected me from." 

I followed the mrt line and ran all the way to yishun today. Oh I really wanted to turn back by the time I saw "Welcome to Yishun" but I also really wanted to go take a look at yj again, so I kept going. Okay fine, so I started walking there from khatib. Darn tiring and I guess I haven't run for a while. Honestly I really cannot remember the names of any new people I met at yj when I was there for three days at orientation, except 1, but that's because he got into ac after that as well. I don't even think I could recognise their faces if I saw them in the street. they'd just be oddly familiar. but I remember walking through those school gates early in the morning and walking past the track to meet josy, a good friend since sec one, with whom there were promises that we'd get through our two years together, even if it wasn't in a school that we dreamed of. I ended up in the same orientation group/ class as her anyway, with vanessa, this other girl from stnicks. that part was really quite cool. We whined alot, didn't eat much, but still had a good time. I remember the general awkwardness of getting to know a new group of people and belonging to it. some parts of the school. Talking to the floorball captain who talked about trainings on saturdays and me not appealing out and joining floorball here instead. It was flattering really, and sometimes I wonder what she would say then if I had to stay and joined them, if i sucked at floorball then. Or maybe I would have been good at it. I don't know but I'd really stick with hockey anytime. but she was really nice and that part, and josy and vanessa, made it a little difficult to leave especially because she also saw me leave afterward. still, what i remember best though is walking out of that school gates for the last time after an awesome phone call which made that day probably my happiest ever! and omg i'm not exaggerating. Ok not that it was bad over there, I guess I just really wanted to be somewhere else.
I never realised that the school is really quite big. I don't know why I really wanted to go and see it today because I don't miss it, in the sense that I really am happy where I am now, in ac. but running helps me clear my thoughts and talk to God better. and when I did see the school I felt like God giving me that 3 days of an experience there was, in a perverse way, worthwhile. I mean I was dying of anxiety waiting for a phonecall that might not even come, and there was the shock of being somewhere I never expected to be, plus adapting to an environment completely different. but i was just thinking how I would have been an entirely different person if I didn't go through that. Maybe I'd like that person better, maybe I wouldn't. but it wouldn't be who I am today in this moment. and there is a reason for that, a purpose for which i had to take this path. Maybe I thought God was being quite cruel to put so many twists and turns in my path, but I know it's because of those twists and turns that I've changed so much. Like I used to be quite terrified of ending up in a neighbourhood school, i guess deep down i have been a little elitist, and it's quite stupid cause' my grades were quite bad in stnicks, but now i'm really not anymore. afraid, or that much elitist. I don't dare say that I'm completely not because heck, i'm a sinner too. I know how it feels to be judged or stereotyped so easily by others sometimes that it's quite ridiculous, that I know I don't want to do it also. there are also other ways i've seen myself change and don't really like, but there is a purpose for which that happens also. and I think of God as this big sneaky guy looking over this huge maze that he has meticulously designed and he watches this massive number of little people who run through the maze and try to find their way to the end of it, hitting dead ends while they're at it, getting confused, angry and stressed because they want to know exactly where they're going and how to get there, but they really don't and can't. I don't mean to say we are all like lab rats to God. I'm saying that I just really feel like I should have relaxed a bit during those 3 days, taken the back seat and trusted God to show me where to go and what I would do for the next two years. Easier said than done, yeah, but now if i looked back i wish i did. because I know He knows what He's doing with my life, even when I can't see that, when I have no idea what to do with mine. and it's comforting to remind myself that because people have been bugging me about "options for my future" and uni choices and "what I want to become when i grow up" and all that. Some of them are just curious, others are worried for me, the rest have nothing better to do. The truth is, I really don't know and yes it scares me that I don't know. Of course I want to know. I wish I did, but I just don't. but i know God has a plan and a path for me and I'll find it, eventually.
When I ran home it was nearing noon and the sun was just overheating us all again and I wanted a h2o with ice, and to find 55cents on the ground so i could just take the bus home instead. Nah, no luck.

“When you drop a glass or a plate to the ground it makes a loud crashing sound. When a window shatters, a table leg breaks, or when a picture falls off the wall it makes a noise. But as for your heart, when that breaks, it’s completely silent. You would think as it’s so important it would make the loudest noise in the whole world. Or even have some sort of ceremonious sound like the gong of a cymbal or the ringing of a bell. But it’s silent and you almost wish there was a noise to distract you from the pain. If there is a noise, it’s internal. It screams and no one can hear it but you. It screams so loud your ears ring and your head aches. It thrashes around in your chest like a great white shark caught in the sea; it roars like a mother bear whose cub has been taken. That’s what it looks like and that’s what it sounds like, a thrashing, panicking, trapped great beast, roaring like a prisoner to its own emotions. But that’s the thing about love- no one is untouchable. It’s as wild as that, as raw as an open flesh wound exposed to salty sea water, but when it actually breaks, it’s silent. You’re just screaming on the inside and no one can hear it.”

-If you could see me now, by Cecilia Ahern

I like that. Yeah it's chick lit. but I really like this book. I liked it much more than I thought I would from the beginning. I didn't think I'd like stories with a bit of fantasy in them very much but I guess a little will hardly hurt!

I wrote a love letter at smu after service on Saturday, when everyone was either studying for uni/ a level papers, playing cards or having meetings. This is the second love letter I've ever written! Umm, the first went out to my friend when I was like 11. Actually it only had several words on it. Haha crap, I'm laughing as I type this and I'm quite sure I'm blushing.
Anyway! This one's for God. (:

Dear God,
I think of how blessed I am, to have been Yours always, even before I knew it. Today I ask for You to be mine. It's funny to finally realise that I've missed all the signs that tell me You were everything I had been looking for the whole time. I am at my corniest, yet being the most truthful to say that You complete me, and that even when I don't realise it, I am nothing without You. Cautiously, yet assuredly, I hand You the keys to my heart. Not a quarter, nor half, but I give You all of it. For as long as possible, it will be no one and nothing else's, but Yours to charm, to guard, to break and to mend. I promise to live my days with You, listen to You, and share the work in Your house. I also promise to love and treasure You through trial, poverty, wealth, happiness and loss, where until the day I see You face to face, You will be my prize.

I'm pretty good at making things all about me, especially in the quiet moments where no one is listening, noticing. Sometimes I get tired of the things i do so routinely, that it all feels so meaningless and I don't want to do anything at all. but then God, deep down I know that You're the reason I'm doing all this. School, hockey, church. Maybe I'll never understand why, at least maybe not in a long time, but ohmygod i really have a long list of questions for You when I get to heaven, and until then I just want to honour You. and no, i guess life isn't mundane at all. because It isn't whenever I open my eyes to the amazing things You're doing in all our lives and all around me. Like today, You surprised me and had me smiling inside the whole night, reminding me that Your love is so real amongst us when i saw enru and tim at hockey tonight. i miss and love them so much (:

I've been thinking lately, how i can be such a hypocrite- to give a voice to what i believe in, only to discredit it afterward because I don't live up to it. Sometimes it's the things that don't really matter, like how i think i like this and don't like that, but change my mind afterward? People raise their eyebrows and smile, think i'm a lil' strange maybe, but what gets me are the things I say that I wanna do for God that I don't follow through with, the principles that I compromise with. and thats when I know I've disappointed some people around me. I don't like to disappoint. It's the look on their faces and the things they say that tell me along with the promises, I've broken God's heart again. Things between me and God go a downward spiral after that, and maybe it's because there's something about true love that freaks me out- it's unconditional. It's irrational, it's so radical to me that I run further away from it because I don't deserve something too good to be true. But it is true. and after I've drowned time and again in hopelessness and self pity, completely worn, I crawl back to my God, who, after i've pieced everything together with a clear head, i realise, has tried to reach out to me the whole time I was out there trying to kill myself (metaphorically), just so that people would notice me.

It's been a cycle in my life since I've found God. Only, recently, I've spent alot more time in the dumps trying to love myself, than loving Him. For the most part, I was waiting for change. Some people talk about a book that changed their life. A movie that made them see the light, or something that somebody said that made them never look at things the same again. But that kind of change is not something that just happens. Change is a decision. The movies, books and people in my life were not uninspiring, I just didn't care to do anything about myself.

I'm a walking contradiction, struggling to be somebody that I'm not, but am dying to be. Somebody that you can see God through.

Its like looking in the mirror and not recognising the girl staring back at you.
For better or for worse, you can't decide. 
Some days I sit around and wonder what it would be like to have everything you've been stripped away from you, so that you could just start over. and i dream of Boston. not Boston Boston. but Boston, where no one knows my name.