livingtheduet

Incredible book kimberly loaned me, and omg I miss her (:

2009-12-20T04:13:42Z

"I think the difference in my life came when I realized after reading those Gospels, that Jesus didn't just love me out of principle; He didn't just love me because it was the right thing to do. Rather, there was something inside me that caused Him to love me. I think I realized that if I walked up to His campfire, He would ask me to sit down, and He would ask me my story. He would take the time to listen to my ramblings or my anger until I could calm down, and then He would look me directly in the eye, and He would speak to me; He would tell me the truth, and I would sense in his voice and in the lines of His face that he liked me. He would rebuke me, too, and he would tell me that I have prejudices against very religious people and that I need to deal with that; He would tell me that there are poor people in the world and I need to feed them and that somehow this will make me more happy. I think He would tell me what my gifts are and why I have them, and He would give me ideas on how to use them, I think He would explain to me why my father left, and He would point out very clearly all the ways God has taken care of me through the years, all the stuff God protected me from."

-Donald Miller in Blue Like Jazz

I went for a jog. It was a spontaneous thing.

2009-12-11T15:56:14Z

I followed the mrt line and ran all the way to yishun today. Oh I really wanted to turn back by the time I saw "Welcome to Yishun" but I also really wanted to go take a look at yj again, so I kept going. Okay fine, so I started walking there from khatib. Darn tiring and I guess I haven't run for a while. Honestly I really cannot remember the names of any new people I met at yj when I was there for three days at orientation, except 1, but that's because he got into ac after that as well. I don't even think I could recognise their faces if I saw them in the street. they'd just be oddly familiar. but I remember walking through those school gates early in the morning and walking past the track to meet josy, a good friend since sec one, with whom there were promises that we'd get through our two years together, even if it wasn't in a school that we dreamed of. I ended up in the same orientation group/ class as her anyway, with vanessa, this other girl from stnicks. that part was really quite cool. We whined alot, didn't eat much, but still had a good time. I remember the general awkwardness of getting to know a new group of people and belonging to it. some parts of the school. Talking to the floorball captain who talked about trainings on saturdays and me not appealing out and joining floorball here instead. It was flattering really, and sometimes I wonder what she would say then if I had to stay and joined them, if i sucked at floorball then. Or maybe I would have been good at it. I don't know but I'd really stick with hockey anytime. but she was really nice and that part, and josy and vanessa, made it a little difficult to leave especially because she also saw me leave afterward. still, what i remember best though is walking out of that school gates for the last time after an awesome phone call which made that day probably my happiest ever! and omg i'm not exaggerating. Ok not that it was bad over there, I guess I just really wanted to be somewhere else.
I never realised that the school is really quite big. I don't know why I really wanted to go and see it today because I don't miss it, in the sense that I really am happy where I am now, in ac. but running helps me clear my thoughts and talk to God better. and when I did see the school I felt like God giving me that 3 days of an experience there was, in a perverse way, worthwhile. I mean I was dying of anxiety waiting for a phonecall that might not even come, and there was the shock of being somewhere I never expected to be, plus adapting to an environment completely different. but i was just thinking how I would have been an entirely different person if I didn't go through that. Maybe I'd like that person better, maybe I wouldn't. but it wouldn't be who I am today in this moment. and there is a reason for that, a purpose for which i had to take this path. Maybe I thought God was being quite cruel to put so many twists and turns in my path, but I know it's because of those twists and turns that I've changed so much. Like I used to be quite terrified of ending up in a neighbourhood school, i guess deep down i have been a little elitist, and it's quite stupid cause' my grades were quite bad in stnicks, but now i'm really not anymore. afraid, or that much elitist. I don't dare say that I'm completely not because heck, i'm a sinner too. I know how it feels to be judged or stereotyped so easily by others sometimes that it's quite ridiculous, that I know I don't want to do it also. there are also other ways i've seen myself change and don't really like, but there is a purpose for which that happens also. and I think of God as this big sneaky guy looking over this huge maze that he has meticulously designed and he watches this massive number of little people who run through the maze and try to find their way to the end of it, hitting dead ends while they're at it, getting confused, angry and stressed because they want to know exactly where they're going and how to get there, but they really don't and can't. I don't mean to say we are all like lab rats to God. I'm saying that I just really feel like I should have relaxed a bit during those 3 days, taken the back seat and trusted God to show me where to go and what I would do for the next two years. Easier said than done, yeah, but now if i looked back i wish i did. because I know He knows what He's doing with my life, even when I can't see that, when I have no idea what to do with mine. and it's comforting to remind myself that because people have been bugging me about "options for my future" and uni choices and "what I want to become when i grow up" and all that. Some of them are just curious, others are worried for me, the rest have nothing better to do. The truth is, I really don't know and yes it scares me that I don't know. Of course I want to know. I wish I did, but I just don't. but i know God has a plan and a path for me and I'll find it, eventually.
When I ran home it was nearing noon and the sun was just overheating us all again and I wanted a h2o with ice, and to find 55cents on the ground so i could just take the bus home instead. Nah, no luck.

This is your moment.

2009-11-27T16:13:17Z

They say smells jolt your memory best. Sometimes a scent can take you decades back with the rush of memories you never knew were there anymore come jostle their way into your mind and suddenly, if you'd care to, you're reliving a part of your past again. You find yourself standing in an old classroom, the macs you used to frequent with your friends, the car at 6 in the morning, in the arms of someone dear. For a moment, there was a familiar trace of sweetness in the air tonight. I laugh a little.

I read somewhere that memory is more than just the retrieving of files from a large folder in your mind and in doing so recounting an incident. It is also the recreation of emotions and of the states of mind from right back then. Tricky stuff. Perhaps that's why however much we try, we can never fully live a moment twice.

On a side note, I'm going to US in the wee hours of Sunday morning. I'm not all that dying to go yet, but it'll be fun (: and my cousin's getting married tomorrow! I don't know her very well but i'm quite excited for her. (:

It's Friday afternoon and raining outside. (:

2009-11-27T09:08:39Z

“When you drop a glass or a plate to the ground it makes a loud crashing sound. When a window shatters, a table leg breaks, or when a picture falls off the wall it makes a noise. But as for your heart, when that breaks, it’s completely silent. You would think as it’s so important it would make the loudest noise in the whole world. Or even have some sort of ceremonious sound like the gong of a cymbal or the ringing of a bell. But it’s silent and you almost wish there was a noise to distract you from the pain. If there is a noise, it’s internal. It screams and no one can hear it but you. It screams so loud your ears ring and your head aches. It thrashes around in your chest like a great white shark caught in the sea; it roars like a mother bear whose cub has been taken. That’s what it looks like and that’s what it sounds like, a thrashing, panicking, trapped great beast, roaring like a prisoner to its own emotions. But that’s the thing about love- no one is untouchable. It’s as wild as that, as raw as an open flesh wound exposed to salty sea water, but when it actually breaks, it’s silent. You’re just screaming on the inside and no one can hear it.”

-If you could see me now, by Cecilia Ahern

I like that. Yeah it's chick lit. but I really like this book. I liked it much more than I thought I would from the beginning. I didn't think I'd like stories with a bit of fantasy in them very much but I guess a little will hardly hurt!

Love Letter to heaven

2009-11-24T14:58:05Z

I wrote a love letter at smu after service on Saturday, when everyone was either studying for uni/ a level papers, playing cards or having meetings. This is the second love letter I've ever written! Umm, the first went out to my friend when I was like 11. Actually it only had several words on it. Haha crap, I'm laughing as I type this and I'm quite sure I'm blushing.
Anyway! This one's for God. (:

Dear God,
I think of how blessed I am, to have been Yours always, even before I knew it. Today I ask for You to be mine. It's funny to finally realise that I've missed all the signs that tell me You were everything I had been looking for the whole time. I am at my corniest, yet being the most truthful to say that You complete me, and that even when I don't realise it, I am nothing without You. Cautiously, yet assuredly, I hand You the keys to my heart. Not a quarter, nor half, but I give You all of it. For as long as possible, it will be no one and nothing else's, but Yours to charm, to guard, to break and to mend. I promise to live my days with You, listen to You, and share the work in Your house. I also promise to love and treasure You through trial, poverty, wealth, happiness and loss, where until the day I see You face to face, You will be my prize. Love, si-ning

I'm a walking contradiction.

2009-11-16T18:13:11Z

I'm pretty good at making things all about me, especially in the quiet moments where no one is listening, noticing. Sometimes I get tired of the things i do so routinely, that it all feels so meaningless and I don't want to do anything at all. but then God, deep down I know that You're the reason I'm doing all this. School, hockey, church. Maybe I'll never understand why, at least maybe not in a long time, but ohmygod i really have a long list of questions for You when I get to heaven, and until then I just want to honour You. and no, i guess life isn't mundane at all. because It isn't whenever I open my eyes to the amazing things You're doing in all our lives and all around me. Like today, You surprised me and had me smiling inside the whole night, reminding me that Your love is so real amongst us when i saw enru and tim at hockey tonight. i miss and love them so much (:

I've been thinking lately, how i can be such a hypocrite- to give a voice to what i believe in, only to discredit it afterward because I don't live up to it. Sometimes it's the things that don't really matter, like how i think i like this and don't like that, but change my mind afterward? People raise their eyebrows and smile, think i'm a lil' strange maybe, but what gets me are the things I say that I wanna do for God that I don't follow through with, the principles that I compromise with. and thats when I know I've disappointed some people around me. I don't like to disappoint. It's the look on their faces and the things they say that tell me along with the promises, I've broken God's heart again. Things between me and God go a downward spiral after that, and maybe it's because there's something about true love that freaks me out- it's unconditional. It's irrational, it's so radical to me that I run further away from it because I don't deserve something too good to be true. But it is true. and after I've drowned time and again in hopelessness and self pity, completely worn, I crawl back to my God, who, after i've pieced everything together with a clear head, i realise, has tried to reach out to me the whole time I was out there trying to kill myself (metaphorically), just so that people would notice me.

It's been a cycle in my life since I've found God. Only, recently, I've spent alot more time in the dumps trying to love myself, than loving Him. For the most part, I was waiting for change. Some people talk about a book that changed their life. A movie that made them see the light, or something that somebody said that made them never look at things the same again. But that kind of change is not something that just happens. Change is a decision. The movies, books and people in my life were not uninspiring, I just didn't care to do anything about myself.

I'm a walking contradiction, struggling to be somebody that I'm not, but am dying to be. Somebody that you can see God through.

Sweet and Low

2009-10-09T11:55:57Z

Its like looking in the mirror and not recognising the girl staring back at you.
For better or for worse, you can't decide.
Some days I sit around and wonder what it would be like to have everything you've been stripped away from you, so that you could just start over. and i dream of Boston. not Boston Boston. but Boston, where no one knows my name.

Blindfold me

2009-09-23T13:47:14Z

Blindfold me, please. Sometimes I think it'll be nice, because then in fear, in weariness, in longing, and when i'm feeling sad, these eyes won't tell you anything I don't want them to.

Would you stop if i said please. Cause' it hurts me more than you know
):

Give me Your arms for the broken hearted

2009-09-06T16:09:35Z

The worst thing about disappointment is that you can't blame anyone but yourself for having expected someone to be more than he/she really is.

Saw Victor around on Saturday so i got to talk to him for a bit. He asked why I looked so 'melancholic' now. When I told him, he knocked my head with the bottom of his palm, not so hard that it hurt, but just enough for me to turn and glare. The look on his face said a lot. I'll stop being silly and grow up.
We hung out at smu till late. The j2s studied a bit and then i think everyone got tired and started playing cards. I never realised, but Gingting is such a brotherly figure, haha. I liked talking to siewluan on the way home. We missed the last bus though, haha.

The sky isn't empty.

2009-08-29T17:23:46Z

For the past few months, I've refused to love You because I didn't like Your plans for me. I've been sceptical. I've been stubborn. I've sulked. I've tried so hard to fight the things you put in my path. I've said some pretty nasty things about and to You. I've made everything about me. Unconsciously, or not, I've run as far away as I ever possibly could from You. For the past few months, I've never felt more purposeless, empty, or hurt.

And God even when all that drama is over, I know I'm still so much short of the person You created me to be. But in discovering who exactly she is, and growing to become her, God I just- really want to love You as much as I possibly can. And today I realised that perhaps I can't love You with my own strength alone. and I just pray that God, the author and perfecter of my faith, please, will You help me to love You above everything else. I don't want it to be about me, what I want, and what I feel. I want what You've got in store for me.

Ezekiel 36:26 (New Living Translation)
And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart.

Sleep

2009-07-25T19:59:10Z

i lie awake with thoughts that have travelled through time and back and strangely tonight they take me to you and the times i ran to you from the world and then the times it caught up with me and the things we used to talk about that we swore we wouldn't tell and then the things i hoped you didn't have to say and me wishing you were more and then me wishing i was more and thinking maybe i'd know you more and then thinking if i ever knew you at all

The eleventh hour

2009-07-01T15:14:05Z

My vision's bluring like it does when i've been studying or reading or on the computer for a while at night. Man, i have two papers left for the terms and i've been sleeping alot lately, like i do during exams periods. I think thats my form of escapism, but anyway i've been wondering how i'm going to go about this week when i've hardly studied for the exams. Oh Sunday evening did not feel good at all. Nuh uh. Its kind of late, I'm just looking forward for the end of tmr's paper. The best thing about term exams is that you get to go home right after your paper. Nevermind that friday's history paper is going to be quite painful. I'll worry about it tomorrow. Okay maybe not. I just finished Wide Sargasso Sea for lit tmr and i think its depressing.

Frightening.

Okay, Top Girls now.

"Say nothing and it may not be true."

Today i shut my eyes for a moment and pretended that nobody gets left behind.

2009-06-23T17:02:43Z

I was at the library the other day when I overheard two students, one patiently explaining fundamental mathematical concepts to the other who you'd think would have long mastered at her age. And she tried, she really tried to learn them. I looked over and somewhere in that child I saw the struggle, such humility and the desire to learn although her persistent efforts led to slow, little results. I got up and walked for a while, until everything around and in me was quiet again.

I said God, why?
and then I realised that while He made the weak, He also always made sure of a way for them to never have to stay that way for long.
I said God, But its hard. It gets harder when society can cripple you with your own weaknesses.
and then,
can it really

livingtheduet @ 2009-06-10T23:10:00

2009-06-10T17:28:48Z

I like this picture, when fungmin huiwei and patrice and i slept over at huiwei's place some time back.
I'm watching Oprah's 2008 commencement address at Standford U. on youtube, and i'm really enjoying it. The speech is brilliant and she really is an entertainer. On a side note, I can't imagine how graduation from university must feel like. I hope when I get to that point that I don't forget to be really proud of myself. (:

livingtheduet @ 2009-06-06T01:02:00

2009-06-05T17:44:49Z

If you ask me, the word "love" is so overused today that it doesn't mean anything at all sometimes, even though it's supposed to "make the world go round"/ "conquer all"/ transform 'all things base and vile' into 'form and dignity'. You pick.
But It does convey a powerful emotion and committment after all.
And I'm just thinking, how many times have I had to tell myself to stop being critical of others and instead, to love. And how many times, in that second when God looks away from me, does He choose to love a young and arrogant human who He knows, will never be fully capable of understanding His ways. And then, how many times, in the moments when I look to God, do I choose to love an ageless all-knowing Almighty that I cannot and have never seen, and whose mysterious ways I've heard I'll never be able to fully understand.

Our season in the sun

2009-06-04T18:13:45Z

In eagerness, she tries to take the world in her hands.
But she realises she cannot.
Not now, maybe not ever.

I haven't been posting anything here for a while. I wouldn't say I've been too busy, I think I just didn't feel like it is all. Haha.
The hockey season ended with us clinching a third placing in the nationals, and like always and as with all teams, we felt ever so strongly that we could have done better than that. Although, with only about twenty three, twenty four (?) voices claiming they can vouch for that, the medals still say the most. But hey, like they also say, "there's always next year". Another chance to prove yourself, only this time, in black and white. Because the things people say don't count for much.

Hence the lengths we tend to go for the sake of a medal like this one.
Oh okay, I realise I tend to dramatise and exaggerate sometimes, but I really am happy that I got to have this experience with them! It was awfully painful and disappointing at times, yet filled with so much joy and love at the same time. I also had my best and my worst matches this Adiv season. Siewluan, patrice, huiwei, fungmin and samuel can probably second that. They supported us through the whole tournament, (thankyou!) And yeah we got a third! (: I also miss the j2s like crazy. ): But I guess this is going to be a whole new experience now with a new team.

Grinning on the inside.

2009-05-11T15:05:39Z

I always liked his smile.
It makes me smile.

(:
He makes me smile.

Where are you really

2009-05-01T16:52:54Z

Sceptics aren't the way they are for nothing.
They're tired of believing too quickly what everyone else says.
They're sorry they let themselves hurt.
Maybe
they're just trying to find their way again.

Tonight I wondered, after hearing so much, what is God's plan?
How does everyone know for sure?

How do I know for sure?

I'm kinda tired sometimes, tired of feeling like I need to speak up for You.

livingtheduet @ 2009-04-12T21:48:00

2009-04-12T14:50:49Z

i've had my back turned, fighting these hands that have held me.
and I kinda wish I could answer those questions they ask. but my own words seem foreign and out of place.

Sixteen Days.

2009-04-04T16:12:22Z

"Love the ball,

hate the goal."

Head over heels.

2009-02-21T17:20:57Z

Some of my valentines on the 14th, at Fall. :D
Oh but this was taken a week before Valentine's anyway, we were scribbling love notes on the board. The reception on the actual day was packed.

I was taught never to hold onto something too tightly to forget we're going to have to let it go someday. Change breaks me a little, but then they mould me into so much more.

Like sheep who know nothing and think they're cool...

2009-02-14T17:14:58Z

I never asked for a faith that moved mountains.
I asked for a faith that would keep my face from falling,
that I'd smile and really mean it.
I asked for a faith that would silence my questions,
that I'd look beyond myself and unto others, unto God.
I asked for a faith that'd curb my anxiety,
a faith that'd teach me to love, in adversity.
I asked for a faith that I'd walk with my head up high,
even if all that I've believed in, easily passed as a lie.

I ask for this faith, God,
You said You'd generously give.

It turned out cj didn't want me, so i got posted to yj. I finally decided to try and appeal into ac, because a friend said if God opened doors for me, I'd be a sucker to turn away and run. I'd say I'm really blessed to be in ac now, I thank God for that! Alot of things have happened recently, quite unexpectedly, some of which I'm still coming to terms with. And you know what they say, " Man can determine his path, but God determines his steps."
And I say, (in utter frustration) " I give up! I'll go wherever the shepherd leads me."

There's the voice of a child, naive and living in a fantasy.

2009-01-25T17:22:55Z

If I had to find my way to an unfamiliar place, I tend to want to get on the first bus that sounds familiar, and then figure out what to do afterward.
Its not suprising I always end up taking several buses and going the long way. At times I get lost and hail a cab, the other hand in my hair, and i taking in a breath of defeat. I guess to some extent I like not knowing where tomorrow will take me, embracing new sights, flirting with possibilities. I like making up the plan as I go, and sometimes, to just be able to pretend that time is waiting for me.
but God, not now I don't want to be without a direction.
and if I wander, I'll wander with caution.

Time does this thing of laughing at me.
And I can only stand here amused, at best.

Lord, after two weeks of drama, I finally offer my life to You.

2009-01-20T19:23:04Z

I know I have been ranting about acjc, but an hour ago i decided to give it up completely because something I read just slapped me harshly into reality. I haven't been allowing myself to be led by the spirit into choosing my school for next year. Shocked at a 14, i basically panicked and called ac, setting my heart on a sports appeal to a school miles away from stnicks. Well tonight I panicked again, because I realised I'd made a mistake and will never be able to serve God well by going to ac. I prayed and instantly God spoke to me through Matthew 6:33.
But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

And i wanted to cry, because there in God's kingdom I saw the faces of huiyi, inez, weiting, windy, xinhui, boon, yvonne and joan.
and I couldn't believe that I was actually going to shortchange God's flock by placing my own interests first.
I did up a list of pros and cons of going to acjc, just to be sure, and the truth is by going there I'll be far from being in a good position to serve God in the Stnicks group. Thank God I haven't actually appealed into acjc yet, and my score of 14 will never get me there. Amazingly, my second choice is cjc arts and I could possibly be posted there because the entry score for arts is 11 and I would have a 10!

The day I received my results, I remember Suwenn said to me that I shouldn't worry, because God will give me a sign as to where to go.
And He did, through someone I don't know personally, but who went through the exact same thing.
I just, can't help but praise God.

I know I will never get to be in any of my dream jcs, but now I really don't think I've lost out in any way.
A point that John C Maxwell made in his book titled "Be All You Can Be" says " To reach our potential. we must give up at any moment all that we are in order to receive what we can become."  Abraham gave up his home to seek a better country, Moses gave up the riches of his title, Paul gave up his past, Jesus gave up his rights, and all of them became so much more, honouring God greatly. And so I have nothing at all to lose, but everything to gain in Christ.

In my last post I said that I wanted God's will to be done in my life, but by refusing to be open to options God put before me, I wasn't allowing it at all.
Now I pray again that God's will be done in my life, but this time I pray too that God will help me always have a surrendered heart towards Him. Receptive to His word, and always loving Him above anyone else. That includes myself.

My near death encounter.

2009-01-19T16:50:48Z

I went for training with ac today. I was reminded of how pain feels like, since its been a while. I'd never felt like giving up more when we were doing sets of runs and sprints at the beginning of training. It got so bad that I couldn't feel my lower body for a while, but God answered my desperate prayers and sustained me. I thought I did okay, but nothing impressive really.
I don't know if I'll get the appeal, but I just pray God's will will be done in my life. That would be enough.